Monday, June 20, 2005

frustration

Do we choose the life we live or is it thrust upon us? Today I realized my life is not the one I choose. Somewhere between January and June life took a twist and I don't always recognize who I am. Its frustrating to look forward to coming home and then once I set foot in the door to realize what I want to do is at odds with who I have always been. My home has always been my castle.. For years I have always said I could be a hermit.. Everything I ever wanted or needed is here-- but today I realized that I am torn between who I was or was it who I wanted to be and the me that walks through that door?
I used to spend hours outside gazing at the koi, rearranging the plants or just reading and now I end up inside doing what??? typing on the computer, playing with scrapbook pages, doing dishes... where does the time go? did I take it away from myself? have I found a new me that I should embrace? where did this life come from and can I get my old life back? should I want it back?

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